the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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