You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
