My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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