You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
