I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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