woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
