That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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