...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
