I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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