im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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