i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
