I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
