I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
