god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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