These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
