Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Text me some of your sweat
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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