Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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