My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
