i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
