i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
