My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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