Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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