Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
