the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
