I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
