WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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