i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
