Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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