there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Bring me that man meat
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
