He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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