Just fell off a train. Bad.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize