Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
