Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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