Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
