final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i love accidental penises.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
