in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
