final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize