You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
