We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
only you would photoshop your dick
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
