I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
