I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
