Non-Jews are for practice
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
