I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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