Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Randomize
