Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
