remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
