Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
