swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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