The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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