I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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