my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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