When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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