Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
