I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
