Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
