mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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