I just saw a hot homeless man
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize