Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
