Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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