so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
