I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
