my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize